Wednesday, October 03, 2007
This past week I was going through some of my old things from college and high school and I found some of my old journals. One of these journals was written while I was studying abroad in London. It was very weird to read back on all of my thoughts and feelings at the time and even weirder to realize how much I have changed in the last seven years. A lot of the things I thought and wrote were very self centered and immature and I found myself thinking, "are you serious, why the heck would you think or say that?" I also realized that some of the traits I had back then I still have and they are not necessarily good traits to have. One line that really stuck with me and kills me was a line that said, "I poison friendships and other relationships and push people away." I really took this to heart and started thinking about all of the friendships and relationships that I personally have tanked and it made me sick. I don't know why I do it, but I let people in and then I turn around and do everything I can to sabatoge the relationship. After reading about destroying friendships in college and thinking about the relationships I have botched since, I have decided that one of my new personal goals is to work on all of my relationships, as well as myself, to try to figure out why I push people away, when all I really want is to be close to others and have good friendships. I hope that I can get to the bottom of this personal sabatoge and I hope that I can in turn strengthen my relationships, current and future.